


I want to spend my life loving you

by jvean



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Break Up, Cliche, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 20:57:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19070542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvean/pseuds/jvean
Summary: “Maybe because it’s a lot easier with him!” Eren froze letting the pillow in his hands fall to the floor and slowly faced the other. Jean didn’t budge, his intense challenging glare not fading as he watched Eren’s face go through multiple emotions.“Y-you don’t mean that-““I do.”





	I want to spend my life loving you

**Author's Note:**

> GOD this is SOOO cliché and terrible since I’m still learning. You’ve been warned! Also I had to rush the ending but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

Eren unlocked the door to his and Jean’s apartment, throwing the keys into the plate on the shoe closet and leaned against it to untie his shoes placing them neatly inside it. He noticed Jeans shoes carelessly thrown somewhere in the hallway and rolled his eyes as he grabbed them and placed them next to his own. He always complained to Jean about keeping the place clean but it seemed like he wasn’t listening.

In fact he hasn’t been listening to Eren at all lately.

The brunet walked into the living room scanning the apartment for the source of his annoyance and found him dozing off on the couch looking like a mess probably from a long day at work but aside from that he still looked as good looking as ever. Jean Kirstein always did. Eren carefully placed the groceries on the floor along with the box that contained Jeans favorite cake and sat on the couch gently shaking him awake after turning the TV off.

“Jean, wake up.”

Jean opened his eyes and blinked a few times, squinting and glancing to his side at Eren, “oh hi” he muttered weakly and sat upright cracking his back in the process making Eren cringe. Eren always told him how bad it was for him to do that but yet another thing Jean hasn’t been paying attention to.

Eren dismissed his negative thoughts and reminded himself that Jean had just been overworking. The least he could do as his partner is to be understanding of that and take care of him. So he offered a small smile and grabbed the paper bag on the floor that contained Jeans favorite cake and as he was about to hand it to him his phone started ringing.

Jean instantly grabbed it from his side and answered it, not missing a single beat.

He must’ve been waiting for an important call from work-

“Hey Marco!”

Of course not.

“Yes yes. No I’m not tired at all! Alright sounds good see you there.” He shoved his phone in his back pocket after the call had ended and picked up his coat from the couch where he lazily threw it after he came back from work, Eren watching him the entire time.

“I’m going out for drinks with Marco. Don’t wait for me-“ He was interrupted by the sudden hard object being thrown at his back. He whirled around with a hand on the area where it the impact had taken place, trying to ease the pain as he looked down at the now ruined cake on the floor, the fragile paper box had opened when it came in contact with Jean’s hard back.

“What the fuck was that for?!” He yelled frowning at Eren who stared back at him with a look Jean had never seen before. It was a mix of tiredness, hurt and disappointment.

“You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.” he whispered as if he was seconds away from crying his eyes out. And if Jean knew Eren well, which he did, he knew that his anger had multiple levels and when he was at his worse he’d cry. The tears flowing like two big uncontrollable waterfalls until he calmed down which would take some time.

“You’re the one throwing things at me for no reason!” And that was all it took for Eren to crack under all the pressure pain and sadness he’d been bottling up. Whatever he could get his hands on he threw at Jean. Tears now flowing down his cheeks and his head spinning but he didn’t stop. He was too far gone to care anymore.

“You! I can’t believe how selfish you are! I’ve been constantly ignoring all the bad things you keep doing! Making up excuses for you! Going as far as driving around for hours to get everything you want just so you’d look at me again! And for what?! For you to brush it off and neglect me without even thinking about how I feel!” Word after word came out. He couldn’t shut up even if he wanted to. Jean dodged the things being thrown at him in random directions. His eyes wide as he tried to process what Eren was saying or rather screaming at the top of his lungs.

“I’ve been bearing with this for days weeks hell even months! Convincing myself that it would pass! That it was all because of work! That you were just tired! But no! As fast as Marco calls you’re bolting out of the apartment leaving me behind all alone! Why?! Why do you do that?!”

“Maybe because it’s a lot easier with him!” Eren froze letting the pillow in his hands fall to the floor and slowly faced the other. Jean didn’t budge, his intense challenging glare not fading as he watched Eren’s face go through multiple emotions.

“Y-you don’t mean that-“

“I do.”

He didn’t actually mean what he said. He saw Marco as nothing more than a childhood friend. but when you’re angry you say the worst things. The most hurtful things that could come to your mind and Jean had a serious problem with controlling his mouth when angry.

It was silent for a few seconds and Jean wondered whether he should take it back but before he could say anything Eren was quietly taking off his ring and throwing it on the floor, the silver engagement ring rolled a few times before it fell, unmoving next to Jean’s feet along with many objects Eren had thrown at him.

“Then _maybe_ you should give that to _him_.” he hissed with all the anger he could muster trying to cover up how hurt and broken he really was. He turned around completely ignoring whatever Jean was about to say next and stalked to their bedroom grabbing the suitcase by the door and throwing it on their bed. Jean followed after him and stood by door watching the other with a shocked expression as he wordlessly packed his things, sniffling and desperately rubbing his eyes every few seconds.

“What.. are you doing?” He asked when he had enough courage to, tears prickling his own eyes but not letting them get any further.

“This was clearly a mistake.” Eren said in a broken whisper, no longer capable of hiding how hurt he was, “We never should’ve gotten together. We never should’ve gotten engaged. I was so stupid to even _think_  that-“ he cut himself off taking a deep shaky breath.

Jean felt as if someone was repeatedly stabbing his heart. His breathing stopped. He couldn’t believe what was happening. This wasn’t the first time they fought but usually it was all anger and yelling, no tears or pain and they’d make up quickly after as if nothing happened. No, this was different. This hurt in a way he couldn’t describe. This brought out a side of Eren Jean had never seen before. A side that had him choking and squeezing his heart knowing that he was the one who caused it. That it was all his fault.

“Eren- I-“ “I’m going to my parents. I’ll come by to pick the rest of my things up some other day.” He suddenly said nonchalantly or at least tried as he zipped the suitcase and set it on the floor dragging it behind him in a rush.

It was always either Armin or Mikasa he went to when he and Jean weren’t on speaking terms. Never his parents. Never wanting to go that far away since it was a one and a half hour drive.

Jean followed after him frantically grabbing his arm trying to stop him, “is this it? You’re just going to walk out?” He said desperately as he stared at Eren’s motionless back waiting for a reply, an action, _anything_.

Eren turned around looking him dead in the eyes, “you didn’t seem to care while doing it so why should I?” He yanked his arm out of his grip, got his shoes back out of the shoe closet, wore them as fast as he could and opened the door and left not giving Jean a second glance. Just like that.

But truth be told if he had turned around, looked at Jean for one more second, he would’ve broken down into even more tears right there and then.

Jean slumped down against the wall facing the door when his legs became too tired and weak to hold him up any longer since he’d been staring at the door for god knows how long, lost in thought as he tried to fight back tears of his own.

Eren just left.

Eren left.

_He left._

And it didn’t seem like he was coming back any time soon. Maybe not at all. And it was all his fault.

He felt fresh hot tears running down his cheeks.

_______

**_One week after the fight._ **

Jean has been trying to contact Eren in every way he could think of. He called, texted, messaged him on countless social media accounts but to no avail. Eren refused to answer which was the typical but that didn’t stop Jean from trying. He tried calling his parents but they didn’t pick up either, probably mad at him for breaking their only son’s heart. Jean couldn’t blame them. He ignored all the calls he got in favor of that one call from the love of his life but it felt like it was never coming and Jean was losing hope with every passing second. With every call and text that didn’t get through Eren.

He only left the apartment for work but he couldn’t even concentrate. Everything was a mess. He was a mess. He couldn’t remember how his old life was without Eren and didn’t know how he could ever go back to it. He felt lost. So lost. It was never like this when they fought before. He knew Eren would come back. He always did. But this time, he wasn’t so sure.

When he couldn’t sleep, which was every night until he passed out from exhaustion, he’d play back the fight in his mind, remember Eren’s words, his actions and his expressions.

_His expressions._

Never in their 5 years and 3 months of dating had Jean seen such a pained expression on Eren’s beautiful face. He looked so utterly broken. And Jean couldn’t understand why he hadn’t just taken back what he said, held Eren in his arms, rubbed circles on his back as he repeated how sorry he was. That he didn’t mean what he said. But fuck if he wasn’t the most stubborn asshole on the entire planet.

That night after he left, when his butt had become too numb on the floor and his back started hurting after leaning against the wall for so long, he picked himself up and sat down on the couch in their living room, staring into space until a small silver object on the floor caught his eye.

His breath hitched as he got up and picked up Eren’s ring and stared at it. Reminding him of the time when he’d stare at it for hours thinking whether or not Eren would accept it. When he finally got the balls to propose, he could never forget how his lover’s eyes brightened up and how he couldn’t stop grinning as he lunged forward, hugging Jean with all his strength almost choking him in the process.

They had laughed and neither could stop smiling as Jean slid the ring on Eren’s finger. He remembered the times he’d catch the brunet staring at it with the same smile plastered on his face. Nothing felt more right in Jean’s 24 years of living.

But now Eren was out there somewhere thinking it was all a mistake. That everything they’d been through together, all the times they had said those 3 words, It was all wrong. And Jean could not hate himself more for it.

He thought about everything. From the night they confessed to each other till now. He thought about their playful banter, the small and big arguments that would end up with them in bed or cuddling on the couch if they were both too tired to do anything.He thought about how they’d take care of each other in small unnoticed ways. It made him realize all the things Eren would do for him. It was always the little things.

_It made him realize how badly he took Eren for granted._

He closed his eyes, burying the silver ring in his palm and holding it close to his heart as he sobbed.

______

_**Two weeks after the fight.** _

Jean missed Eren. He missed him so _so_ much.

He missed waking up next to him, his soft snoring, his messy hair, the cute way he’d cling onto Jean in his sleep. If Jean had ever mentioned it to him he’d kill him. So he kept it as his own little secret that he’d enjoy every morning.

He missed teasing each other over breakfast not realizing they were late for work before getting ready as quickly as they could but never forgetting to kiss each other goodbye. Never until lately and it was all because of Jean.

He missed coming back home to the smell of something burning and the smoke in the air making him squint. Eren was a terrible cook but it never stopped him from trying. Jean would scold him and then restart the cooking himself with Eren watching him closely trying to take mental notes with his eyebrows scrunched together and his lips slightly ajar. The look he’d always make when he was concentrating. Jean thought it was the cutest thing.

He missed the evenings in which they’d cuddle on the couch, playing video games, talking about their day and complaining about how unfair their bosses were or watch a cliché movie and make fun of almost everything in it. Laughing whenever overused lines were told and cringing together at the cheesy kissing scenes like some kids before getting in the shower together to ‘save water’ but they both knew that wasn’t the reason.

And he missed how at the end of the night he’d have Eren in his arms already fast asleep. He himself drifting off while watching the boy he had grown to love. feeling like nothing in the world was wrong. They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. perfect for one another. Oh what Jean wouldn’t give to have those days back. to have Eren back in his arms.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he laid there wondering on who it could be. Could be Eren? Did he come back? Was he ready to forgive Jean? Could it be true? It made butterflies burst in his stomach like he was some high school kid about to confess to his crush.

He sat up and got off the couch jogging to the door and opened it with all his strength. His breath knocked out of him. Disappointment washed over him in waves when he saw that it was none other than Connie and Sasha. No sign of Eren anywhere.

“Oh. Hi” he said tiredlessly, his face drained of any excitement or hope he had just a few seconds ago.

“Hey man, long time no see.” Connie said in a soft tone with a small smile. Behind him Sasha raised her arm showing off the plastic bag she was holding, “I brought food!” She exclaimed excitedly already trying to lighten up the mood and if Jean wasn’t so depressed he’d smile back but he really couldn’t bring himself to so instead he wordlessly stepped aside motioning for them to get in.

They took off their shoes in the doorway and entered the apartment curiously looking around. “This place looks like a dump and you look like shit dude.” Connie said laughing as Sasha carefully placed the plastic bag on the table behind the couch. Jean didn’t reply. He wasn’t in the mood for jokes. He knew how he looked, he hadn’t shaved in so long and the sleepless nights brought out sleeping bags under his eyes. Usually Jean would take extra care of his appearance but he didn’t have the energy anymore.

The apartment didn’t look any better. It was in the worst condition it had ever been in. Jean couldn’t bring himself to clean up the mess caused by their fight and only ordered take out when he felt like he couldn’t go on any longer without any food. Leaving all the trash in its place after he was done. If Eren was here he’d strangle him.

“What are you guys here for?” Jean said emotionlessly dismissing their attempts to make him feel better. How could he allow it when he didn’t deserve it? The pair tensed up and eyed each other as if mentally discussing what to say next.

“Well, we just wanted to check up on you?”

“Why?” Jean asked staring at the two even though he knew why. But he didn’t know how _they_  knew. They were indeed close friends but he didn’t want anyone knowing because if they did they’d try to comfort him and Jean wanted anything but. He was angry. Angry at himself. Angry at the world.

Nerve wrecking moments went by in silence and Jean could swear he heard Sasha cracking under the pressure and Jean’s intense stare. Daring her to lie to him. She was never good at handling such situations or hiding secrets in this case.

“Eren sent us!” She blurted out making Connie face palm so hard it left a red mark on his forehead.

“Sasha! We weren’t supposed to tell him!”

“I know! I just panicked alright!” Jean’s eyes widened at that, his heart roaring to life and beating so fast in his chest.

“Eren? Really? Did you see him? What did he say?” Jean asked eagerly, the excitement and hope that abandoned him for two weeks, back now and lacing his loud tone.

“Uhh..”

“Guys please. I need to know. _Please._ ” He said in a helpless voice. He felt pathetic but he couldn’t care less.

“Well... Eren called me and told me what... _happened_  and asked us to come here and check up on you.” Connie nervously explained while Sasha fiddled with her fingers.

And if Jean didn’t feel the most relieved he had ever been, he’d be annoyed that Eren didn’t return his calls and sent someone else instead. What mattered right now was Eren still cared. He cared about Jean after everything. He might hate him right now which made his heart ache but he was still overwhelmed with happiness and relief.

And for once in two long painful weeks he knew exactly what he had to do.

“Can you guys help me clean?”

“Huh?”

_______

 

Meanwhile Eren laid on his old bed in his old dark room in his parents old house. Blankly staring at the ceiling. His tears dried up a long time ago. His limbs aching from the lack of energy and his eyes too tired but not letting sleep overcome them.

He’d been in this condition ever since he had came home crying to his parents in the ungodly hours of the night. His dad had comforted him while his mom was preparing his room for him. He couldn’t stop the uncontrollable tears until he couldn’t cry any longer.

He called Armin and Mikasa to let them know and to tell them not to visit him. Mikasa protested at first but let it go in the end. She still called every now and then to check up on him though.

His parents had never seen him in such a horrible state. His mom terribly worried while his dad cursed Jean.

He locked himself up in his room that night. Only coming out to take a shower or eat a little to put his old mother’s mind to ease but other than that he felt dead. Completely and utterly dead. He hated laying in his bed in the darkness with nothing to distract him from thinking over and over again about Jean. His heart squeezed in his chest every time he remembered his hurtful words. What’s worse is that he missed him.He missed him more than words could describe.

He missed being in his safe warm arms. A place he had learned to call home. A place he thought nothing could harm him but oh how terribly wrong he was when the person he loved and trusted the most in the entire world was the one to inflect all this pain on him with just a few words that he kept replaying in his mind. his finger felt empty without the engagement ring he had grown used to wearing.

He wondered how Jean was doing. Was he sad? Was he relived? Was he with Marco right about now, drinking and laughing without a care in the world? Or was he back in the apartment missing Eren as much as he missed him? He had sent Connie and Sasha to pay him a visit this morning because god, Jean did not know how to properly take care of himself without someone telling him what to do but they haven’t been answering any of his calls. He hoped everything was okay.

Even though Jean hurt him, he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. He still loved him so much and it hurt his heart so bad. He sobbed for what felt the hundredth time without any tears to shed covering his face with his arm, muffling his cries.

minutes later he was drifting off to a much needed sleep and as he was about to completely give up to it he heard a faint knock. He removed his arm looking for the source because he was certain it didn’t come from the door.

 _Great._  he started hallucinating.

he covered his face with his arm again trying to chase the sleep that had finally found him but the knock sounded again. This time he got up to rest on his elbows and waited to confirm that it was real and not just his imagination and sure enough another knock came from the window next to his bed. He sat up and carefully moved the curtains to investigate and he’d swear his heart stopped beating for a second.

Right in front of him, on the other side of the window was Jean looking up at him with a bright hopeful grin as he tried to hold himself in place by the sides of the window or whatever he could grab.

The scene gave him nostalgia to when Jean would sneak into his room late in the night and they’d play video games or cuddle on the bed talking about the future and how nothing would ever come between them. Nothing except an uneven ladder that Jean fell off of when he was trying to tell Eren he loved him for the very first time. He broke an arm and Eren’s parents woke up and caught them getting them both grounded but the giddiness from hearing and exchanging those three words never left them and also a fear of heights for Jean.

But here he was, on that same old uneven ladder without a care as he stared at Eren with such a loving look he almost looked like a teenager again. Still, Eren wondered whether he should indulge. Whether this was all worth it. he stepped back making Jean’s fade completely as he desperately knocked on the window trying to keep his attention on him.

“Eren! baby! please just listen to me!” Eren could barley hear him as he thought back to that night and everything until this very second. He didn’t budge until Jean lost balance and was about to fall.

Eren quickly unlocked the window pushing it up and grabbed the idiot’s hands pulling him towards himself. He didn’t realize they were still holding hands until a few seconds after Jean was safe again and trying to catch his breath but when he tried to let go but Jean held on tighter.

“Thanks.” He whispers breathlessly turning his head and glaring at whatever was down there. Eren moved his head a little to get a better view and found Connie and Sasha staring right back at him as they held the ladder in place. “Sorry!” They both said in unison making Jean roll his eyes.

“Y-you traitors!” Eren yelled making them both smile awkwardly at him repeating their apology.

“I forced them to talk.” Jean said bringing Eren’s attention back to him as he stared in disbelief.

“Why?”

“Because you were ignoring me!” Jean replied like a kid and Eren almost thought it was cute. Almost.

“Of course I’d ignore you! You bag of dicks!!” He exclaimed, the anger making him sob again and weakly whispered “Y-you hurt me..” and it felt like the most cheesiest thing Eren had ever said but he was really past caring as he lowered his head and continued sobbing.

Everything was silent and Eren only looked up when Jean tightened his grip on his hands, bringing them both up to his lips and kissing them.

“I love you.” Eren’s eyes widened.

“I love you so much.” Jean whispered into his knuckles, closing his eyes and taking Eren’s scent in. He was mimicking _that night_  and Eren could swear it could not get any more cliché even though it did.

“Do you know how much I love you?” Jean opened his eyes this time looking straight back at a surprised Eren. He took Eren’s right hand and placed it flat on his chest, right on his heart. The brunet’s wide eyes stuttered between Jean’s face and his hand. He felt his heart beating so fast almost faster than it did that night.

“This is how much I love you, Eren.” Eren made a noise that was between a laugh and a cry, muffling it with his other hand.

“And I want to spend my life loving you.” He carefully reached out behind himself, getting something from his back pocket and smiled when he brought the engagement ring into view, holding it between his index finger and thumb,

“will you let me put this back where it belongs?”

“I know it’s a touching romantic moment but can you guys hurry up up there? I can’t feel my arms and I’m getting hungry.” Connie said followed by a ‘me too!’ From Sasha making Jean roll his eyes again.

“Shut up! Way to ruin the moment!” Jean exclaimed in annoyance making them both snicker. Eren felt the mood lighten up enough to giggle into his hand making Jean turn back to him with a soft expression.

“So..?”

“Yes you dumbass.” A wide perfect grin spread across Jean’s handsome face mirroring Eren’s own. He took ahold of the other’s hand which was still on his chest and slid the ring back to it’s rightful place.

Eren felt like crying all over again as he hugged Jean by the neck and pulled him closer, pressing their lips together. Jean was caught off guard but kissed back just as fast as he placed his hands on Eren’s waist. They closed their eyes enjoying the moment but were forced to pull apart when Connie and Sasha started fake gagging and going “ewww!!” Like a bunch of kids.

“Shut up! I see you two trying to eat each other’s faces every other day!” Jean yelled half amused and half annoyed making them all laugh.

“Why didn’t you come through the door like a normal person?” Eren asked when the laugher had died down.

“Because I’m no normal person when I’m in love baby.” Jean said in the corny way people would in movies making Eren playfully roll his eyes with a small smile, “that and your dad would’ve killed me.” they both laughed.

“Can I come in now? My butt’s becoming numb and I’m sure those two want to go do whatever they always do.” after Jean had gotten in, bumping his head in the process and telling Eren to shut up when he laughed at him, and Connie and Sasha had left, the two settled on Eren’s old bed. It was small but they were pressed up against each other with Jean’s arm around the brunet’s shoulders holding him close while Eren placed his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, never getting bored of it. Jean rubbed his lover’s shoulder with his thumb and sighed.

“I can’t believe you did that thing again.” Eren said earning a soft laugh from the blond,

“anything for you, _darling.”_  He laughed harder when Eren attempted to kick his leg. He always went on about how much he hated pet names but Jean knew he was just embarrassed. Years later and he was still not used to it.

“I really missed you.” He whispered seconds later as he lovingly looked down at Eren, planting a kiss on the top of his head making him smile.

“I know.” He whispered back.

“And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“I know.”

“And I love you. So much.”

Eren tipped his head back to look up at Jean, smiling, “I know. I love you too.” Jean smiled back and kissed his forehead. They stared at one another for a few seconds before closing their eyes and slowly leaning towards each other for a slow deep kiss, breaking apart for some air later on.

They talked the whole night wrapped in one another’s arms until Eren’s mom walked in on them to check on her son, shocked by what she had found instead. they were both fast asleep, softly snoring. She considered telling her husband but decided against it, smiling as she tucked them in under Eren’s blanket and quietly walked out, turning off the light and closing the door.

It was the best most peaceful sleep they had gotten in the two long crucial weeks they were apart.


End file.
